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 Holiday funnies- post 'em here

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mistressofdoom



Number of posts : 265
Registration date : 2007-10-29

PostSubject: Holiday funnies- post 'em here   Sat Dec 13, 2008 6:42 pm

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas Spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next next door, where they're serving
rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-
malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.

Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10 lb plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you
can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see
them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards!

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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PeaceMarauder
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PostSubject: Re: Holiday funnies- post 'em here   Sat Dec 13, 2008 11:10 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Holiday funnies- post 'em here   Tue Dec 16, 2008 3:28 am

Well, you know the stuff they sell in the commercials for the holidays...

Here's Vince, the Shamwow guy and the new product.... listen for 'You're gonna love my nuts' "If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand." and "The reason you're going to slap away every day is because it's easy to clean.... " Laughing





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mistressofdoom



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Registration date : 2007-10-29

PostSubject: Re: Holiday funnies- post 'em here   Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:26 pm

Vince is creepy! And why does he always wear a headset?

"You can have an exciting life now" because it's easier to make tuna salad!


Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Holiday funnies- post 'em here   Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:35 pm

He's sposed to be acting as an infomercial guy to give the commercial more cred Laughing He is Billy Mays' rival... and I don't trust either Razz
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mistressofdoom



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PostSubject: The Greatest Gift Of All   Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:47 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Holiday funnies- post 'em here   

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